Sitting at my desk I can hear the sweet, sweet sound of leaf blowers from all over the place. Right now, at this very moment, more gasoline is being consumed in America for the single purpose of leaf blowing than the total output of any random mid-sized European democracy. That’s a fact that I just made up and pulled out of my ass.

If everybody dumped their leaf blowers we would immediately see the following benefits:

• We wouldn’t have to listen to the infernal racket of leaf blowers all day, every day throughout the fall season.
• America would attain energy independence overnight.
• An instant, sharp increase in heart attacks resulting from unfit people cleaning up their yards the old fashioned way, thus culling the population and freeing up money for health care for the rest of us.
• On a longer time scale Americans would be more fit and healthy as a result of the exercise derived from manual labor, further easing the burden of healthcare on the national budget.
• The Home Depot and Lowes would probably go out of business, creating a vacuum in the market that would quickly be filled by the very same independent stores they put out of business in the first place. Karma/circle of life.
• All the illegal Mexicans would self deport.
• The sea levels would start retreating.

I’d say that’s killing a flock of seagulls with a single stone. Now where’s my Nobel Prize in something?