The United States Unilaterally Attacks Syria!

US troops proudly raising the flag of liberty over the smoldering ruins of Damascus. Stock image. Not intended to depict actual event.

Recently turned hawkish president Barack Obama grabbed his newly discovered sack yesterday and ordered a full on attack on Bashar al-Assad’s armed forces in an attempt to put an end to Syria’s bloody civil war.

Patriot missiles were launched from US warships in the Mediterranean leaving the Presidential Palace in Damascus (aka Syria’s White House) a smoldering ruin. The dictator’s whereabouts, or even if he is alive, is unknown at this point, a spokesman from the Pentagon reportedly said.

Simultaneous air strikes where carried out against all known depots of chemical weapons, fingers crossed and hoping that the raids won’t disperse the chemicals and make a bad situation even worse. The good news is that in such an eventuality no US pants will be on the ground and local civilians will just have to tough it out.

American fighter planes in a coordinated attack.also effectively grounded the Syrian air force in a massive strike taking out more than 90% of the dictator’s war planes.

In a speech just a few minutes ago President Obama said that America’s actions were legally and morally justified since the “international norm” post World War II is that you can’t carry out mass killings of a civilian population. This norm was established after the US targeted two large cities in Japan and dropped the only atomic bombs to ever be used in wartime on hundreds of thousands of designated civilian Japs. Less a crime of war, it was considered by American top brass, politicians and scientists as a lab experiment. A successful lab experiment; who’s gonna dare fuck with us now? Historians have long since vindicated Harry Truman. The legal council in the White House is in the process of drawing up a whitepaper legitimizing the president’s actions. He added that we will be greeted as liberators.

Both Russia and China have condemned the United States’ unilateral action in the UN and say that America has brought the entire region to the brink of a conflagration that may be impossible to put out. Iran’s president Hassan Rouhani says the Zionists in Washington have gone too far this time. The Iranian military has been mobilized and there are unconfirmed reports of nuclear missiles being aimed at Israel to “wipe the Zionist dogs off the map once and for all” coming from unnamed Iranian sources close to the clerical rulers. The American ambassador to the UN countered with a statement that America will take “all and every necessary precautions” to stop Iranian aggression. He finished his statement by saying “the US doesn’t need anybody’s stinking permission to do the whatever she wants”.

The long and arduous process of rebuilding Syria to a functioning democracy based on American principles of freedom and liberty will begin once the dust settles, Obama added, saying that thousands of US troops must be committed to the task possibly lasting over a decade or more, and billions of dollars will have to be spent. Using executive privilege he declared all civilian contracts non-bid and gave them to Halliburton and Blackwater who immediately subcontracted them to friends and family. He did not speculate as to the exact amount, but said the money presses at the Federal Reserve are in the process of being upgraded and overhauled, plans for quantitative easing on an unprecedented scale are being finalized and you can pretty much kiss any hopes of tax relief goodbye.

This is a breaking story and we will update as it develops. Not a word of it is true. Yet. Sit tight and don’t switch channels as I shake my magic snow globe.

UPDATE 1

A half hour ago EST Israel launched a pre-emptive nuclear strike against Iran’s capital city of Tehran.

What used to be Tehran.

Within minutes the Israeli launch was detected and Iran retaliated with a nuclear attack on Tel Aviv. Based on the half-life of weapons-grade Uranium, Israeli beaches in the area will be inaccessible for quite some time.

Armageddon finally reaches the Holy Land in the form of a nuclear bomb from Iran

A guy down the road from where I live, on condition that we preserve his anonymity, commented hastily that America now seems to be caught between a rock and a really, fucking hard place, as he rushed to the store to buy ammo, beef jerky, bottled water and iodine tablets.

UPDATE 2

The Pope has declared that God has deemed that the situation in the Middle-East qualifies as the Rapture. If you are reading this message you are not one of the chosen. The Pope himself was also left behind and was later found having committed apparent suicide by hanging himself from the shower curtain rod in the papal bathroom while performing an act of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

UPDATE 3

The Antichrist is having a field day with us who are left behind. Earlier predictions that the boogey man would be Obama turned out to be inaccurate. The real Angel Of Darkness is now confirmed to be Donald Trump, as all signage on his properties abruptly changed from TRUMP to 666. Hell will be watching reruns of The Apprentice for all eternity