Confessions Of A Neophyte Car Detailing Hobbyist — Super Quick & Superficial Product Review

My experience level is: I have watched weeks worth of YouTube videos, read volumes of how-tos and articles, read a lot on the boards (but haven’t participated actively very much). I’d say I know more than enough to get myself in trouble, but not enough to really know what I’m doing beyond the basics.

I am the fleet manager of exactly two cars: a 2005 silver Ford Explorer and a black 2014 Hyundai Tucson, but I’m only the boss of the Ford. My friends1 think I’m taking it a bit too far, but our cars look much better than theirs, so there’s that.

This is a list of some of the car detailing products I’ve accumulated and tried in the ~18 months since my awakening. Here we go!

CATEGORY 1: Products that I like very much and will probably buy again. There is plenty of overlap between products in this category.

  • Garry Dean Infinite Use Detail Juice waterless/rinseless wash
  • Chemical Guys Eco-Smart waterless wash
  • Chemical Guys V07 quick detailer
  • Adam’s Detail Spray
  • Blackfire Wet Diamond Polymer Spray quick detailer
  • Adam’s H20 Guard & Gloss drying aid and sealant/gloss enhancer
  • Optimum Opti-Seal paint sealant
  • GTechniq C2 V3 Liquid Crystal paint sealant
  • Nanoskin Rain glass sealant
  • Optimum Opti-Bond tire gel
  • Stoner Invisible Glass glass cleaner
  • Chemical Guys Black On Black vinyl and trim dressing aerosol
  • Chemical Guys Mr Pink car soap
  • Chemical Guys NonSense all purpose cleaner (APC)
  • Stoner Trim Shine vinyl/rubber/trim dressing
  • Adam’s Deep Wheel Cleaner

CATEGORY 2: Products that I like and may buy again. There’s plenty of overlap here as well, both within the category and with Category 1.

  • Optimum ONR rinseless/waterless wash
  • CarPro Perl Plastic & Rubber Protectant
  • Diamondite Perfect Vision glass cleaner
  • Menzerna Endless Shine quick detailer
  • Chemical Guys Afterwash drying aid and sealant
  • RainX 2-1 Foaming Glass Cleaner
  • Chemical Guys Glossworx car soap
  • Meguiar’s Plastic And Vinyl Coating aerosol
  • GTechniq Silo Seal paint sealant (discontinued, sadly)
  • Chemical Guys Inner Clean interior APC
  • Chemical Guys Silk Shine Dressing interior dressing gel

CATEGORY 3: Decent enough products but too much overlap with stuff in categories 1 & 2 that I think might be better. Also stuff that I’m just not sure about but don’t hate. I probably won’t ever buy any of these products again.

  • Ultima Wash And Wax waterless wash
  • Duragloss Rinseless Wash
  • CarPro Hydrofoam car soap and sealer
  • Sonax Polymer NetShield paint sealant
  • Griot’s Garage Spray Wax
  • Griot’s Garage Speed Shine
  • Meguiar’s Last Touch spray detailer
  • Meguiar’s X-Press Spray Wax
  • Chemical Guys InstaWax + spray wax
  • Sonax Brilliant Shine Detailer detail spray
  • Sonax High Speed Wax spray wax
  • Meguiar’s Ultimate Quick Detailer
  • DoDo Juice Red Mist detail spray
  • Turtle Wax Jet Black detail spray
  • Chemical Guys X-Treme Body Was & Wax car soap
  • Meguiar’s Hyper Dressing vinyl/plastic/rubber dressing (almost went in cat. 4)
  • Chemical Guys Bug And Tar Wash car soap
  • Chemical Guys Grime Reaper all purpose cleaner/degreaser
  • Chemical Guys Blue Guard II vinyl/rubber dressing

CATEGORY 4: Stuff I didn’t like and won’t buy again either because I thought it was a bad product, severely over-hyped or over-priced.

  • Flash Brown Royal Wheel & Tire Cleaner
  • Optimum ONR Wash & Wax waterless wash
  • Garry Dean Juice Boost paint sealant/waterless wash additive (specific to the Garry Dean line of products)
  • CarPro Spotless water spot remover

The list is not exhaustive. I have plenty of other products that haven’t been included, either because I haven’t had a chance to use them yet, or have used them so little that I can’t form an educated and informed opinion. These include glazes, polishes and compounds; lots of interior detailing stuff including leather care products; paint coatings, and also paste waxes. Quite a few tire dressings didn’t make it because they were so junky and I don’t even remember their names.

Final thoughts:

  • I have too much time on my hands and need to get a hobby.
  • I need to learn better self control when it comes to clicking the “add to cart” and “place order” buttons.
  • I may have to mark promotional emails from AutoGeek as spam, because this is getting expensive.
  • My kids will never go to college.2

  1. I don’t have any friends, but if I did, this statement would be true.
  2. I don’t have any kids, but if I did, this statement would be true.

A Priori Good Housekeeping: A Rule

It is a self-evident truth (meaning I can’t believe I fucking have to point this out) that:

If an object has no monetary value, and if that object has no sentimental value, and if that object has no utility value — if all three of these conditions are met; if you already own this object, you should throw it out. If you do not own such an object, but see one for sale, or for free at the side of the road, you should not purchase it, take it, accept it, or otherwise assume possession of it.

Also, it follows (not by strict logical rules, but by spousal fiat which is just as valid) that if a person encounters such an object, or any accumulation of such objects, in his1 residence, belonging to his spouse, and his spouse does not respond to requests to get rid of it, he has the right to dispose of it in any manner he sees fit. The offended spouse (the victim) may apply domestic discipline at his discretion to restore marital tranquility and balance to the Universe.

Summary of thoughts: Don’t keep shit just because.

Don't let this be your house. (Picture source: The Internet.)

Don’t let this be your house. (Picture source: The Internet.)


  1. Pronouns in this paragraph are not chosen at random.

Vacation Time

My wife finally took a week’s much deserved and needed vacation from her demanding job as chief bunker (fuel) buyer for a leading Greek shipping company. She has spent 100% of it (waking hours only, of course) swearing like an angry, drunken sailor under the hood of her 1996 Ford Ranger. Good times. Right up there with our early ’90s three-week trip to Izmir (formerly Smyrna of classical antiquity, currently ground zero for suicidal Syrian refugees launching the invasion of Europe) in Turkey, including a three-day excursion to historical Ephesus with its well preserved Roman ruins, walking – quite literally – in the footsteps of St Paul.

Ephesus, Turkey vacation ca 1994

Ephesus, Turkey vacation ca 1992.

Ford Ranger vacation 2015.

Ford Ranger vacation 2015.

Mr Olympia 2015

Published on: Sep 20, 2015 @ 01:16 AM EDST

1. Phil Heath (USA)

2. Dexter Jackson (USA)

3. Shawn Rhoden (USA)

4. Dennis Wolf (Germany)

5. Mamdouh “Big Ramy” Elssbiay (Egypt)

6. Branch Warren (USA)

7. Roelly Winklaar (Curacao)

8. William Bonac (Netherlands)

9. Victor Martinez (Dominican Republic)

10. Essa Obaid (UAE)

You heard it here first!

Top four competitors Mr Olympia 2015

Top four competitors Mr Olympia 2015. From left: Dennis Wolf, Dexter Jackson, Shawn Rhoden and Phil Heath.

I wouldn’t have objected to any of the top four winning. My personal favorite was Dennis Wolf.

Kai Greene apparently got too big for his britches and ended up not competing. Wasn’t banned. Just misoverestimated the size of his dick and shot himself in the foot. Google it for the rumors and conspiracy theories.

Here’s his sob story.

For the record, my opinion only: The Big O has been rigged from the very beginning in 1965 (not that Larry Scott didn’t deserve his two titles). The IFBB is a corrupt organization. But it’s what we have.

To Rape Or Not To Rape

Non-rape as a military strategy to dehumanize the enemy.

Israel National News reports that a researcher from Hebrew University has written a paper that concludes that the lack of rapes committed by members of the Israeli military (Israeli Defence Forces or IDF) against Palestinian women is a strategy designed to serve a political purpose.

Well, good! one might say. The “political purpose” of not raping the enemy is obviously to bring as little hatred upon yourself as possible. Wrong!

“In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, it can be seen that the lack of military rape merely strengthens the ethnic boundaries and clarifies the inter-ethnic differences – just as organized military rape would have done.”
~ Tal Nitzan, doctoral candidate at Hebrew University, Jerusalem

So there you have it. Surely this brings a whole new level of meaning to the phrase “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. Rape is bad, but somehow not raping is worse. And we thought the SJWs in America were batshit crazy.

Republican Gold

Mark my word, if and when these preachers get control of the [Republican] party, and they’re sure trying to do so, it’s going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can’t and won’t compromise. I know, I’ve tried to deal with them.

Barry Goldwater, said in November 1994, as quoted in John Dean, Conservatives Without Conscience (2006)

Labor Day 2015

Happy faux International Workers’ Day (US version) 2015.

Two of the candidates running for president in America in 2016 have made workers’ rights part of their platform. Scott Walker who takes pride in having “broken the unions” in Wisconsin, and Chris Christie who thinks unions should be “punched in the face”.

Why don’t we just retire Labor Day and rename it WalMart Day?

Happy Labor Day y’all!

Workers Unite!

You can donate to Bernie Sanders’ campaign here.

Republican Debate, Condensed Version

Just cringed my way through the 1st Republican “debate”. First of all, what the hell are we doing having a debate 1 year 3 months out anyway?!?! Secondly, what a travesty of the process of electing a president. This was a loss for democracy and a win for reality TV circus and Jesus (because they were all stumbling over each other proclaiming their piety, and also how God was a Republican). This is going to get really tiring fast, and come November next year I predict the lowest voter turnout in living memory.

Happy Hiroshima Day

On this day in 1945 the United States dropped an atomic bomb on the city of Hiroshima, Japan, population 350,000, instantly killing approximately 70,000 civilians with a further 70,000 perished by year’s end from radiation sickness. Three days later we repeated the trick on the city of Nagasaki, population 240,000, with similar results.

Remember, boys and girls; targeting civilians in war is only a crime when other people do it.

Bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki,